CheekyMF! Rant: Hey NBC, why don’t you sit don’t for a bit, we need to have a talk.

The time has come when we must address this. It’s gone on far too long and I just can’t watch this network I grew up adoring frenetically spiral downwards any longer. You’ve got to stop self-destructing, NBC, there’s no other way to say it.

I don’t know if it’s booze or pills. Maybe you’ve gotten yourself hooked on the reefer, but whatever is happening, it has to come to an end.

I grew up knowing that Thursday night could be funny because of you. I can’t begin to count how many Saturday nights were spent quietly awake in my bed, waiting for my parents to finally go to bed so I could come out and laugh at Adam Sandler and David Space dressed as Gap Girls. Five whole seasons of quotable “Newsradio” dialogue that still comes out of my mouth on a near daily basis…. We had some good times, right?

You can get to that place again, but it’s not by putting shows like “Community” and “Best Friends Forever” in limbo while “Whitney!” and “Are you there, Chelsea?” drag you down. When every show has shit for ratings, maybe you need to start looking at why. And I know it hurts to look inside yourself and own your failures, but please, stop now, take a step back, re-assess, and just look at what you’re doing to yourself for a minute.

A fan base is a finicky thing and it takes time. And while you think you’re doing the best for the Parham/St. Claire show by pairing it up with other “girl” shows, you’re really not. The fan base that would have inevitably proven the core for “Best Friends..” is simply not going to show up for Whitney Cummings or Chelsea Handler. I forgot the show was on every week if I’m being really honest. Only tended to remember when Friday morning came around and I realized it had been a while since I’d seen a new ep.

I know that at the end of the day, not every show can stay on the air. And what speaks to the broadest audience and gets the cheapest laugh is what’s likely to win out…but this one hurts, NBC. It hurts to see you give such a small chance to a show that had such potential and still keep shows that have been around for longer and seemed to have inspired less of a fan base. And perhaps that’s what hurts the most, it’s those shows lack of a fan base that cost this show from ever getting a “real” showing.

Please get help, my dear, sweet, NBC. Get help before there isn’t a network left to save.

All my love,

Maya F.

A Traveller’s Thoughts on ‘Eat, Pray, Love’.

To start this out, I feel like I must stress that I have NOT read the book, nor have I seen the movie. The most contact I have ever actually had with the book was when I used it as a coaster at my gran’s house. To be honest, I just thought it was some sort of prayer/self-help bullshit. I wasn’t completely wrong…

The book is about a pretentious WASP-y type, who realizes her life is at a standstill, gets a divorce and travels the world to try and gain some inner sense of happiness. The story, however, is that this broad sold her idea for a book, and then used the advance to go traveling, the book being an afterthought.

Brilliant, right? And something that someone like me should, perhaps, respect. Yet, I don’t respect it at all. I can’t bring myself to respect those that sell lies. You don’t gain a sense of inner happiness by traveling. You may open your eyes, you may start to see things as they really are, but you don’t find the ability to make your soul smile by being a tourist in other’s lives.

Choosing to travel for whatever reason isn’t a bad thing, but it certainly isn’t an easy thing and this story neglects every part of reality that went into making the book happen.

Should I have had the foresight to sell a book idea and use the money to make this trip I’ve made? Probably, yeah, but then the trip wouldn’t have accomplished what I set out to do, which was explore my world. Not to “find myself” in it, but to explore everything else around me.

If I wanted to find myself, I could have done that in Texas and saved myself a whole hell of a lot in gas money.

Review: Are you there, Chelsea?

I’ll preface this review with some truth, I am not a fan of Chelsea Handler. I have tried to watch her show “Chelsea, Lately”, and it’s just never been my cup of tea….I guess, if I’m in a dynamic where someone is being overly bitchy, I need that someone to be me. At least I’m honest, right? Well, this show feels like it’s anything but honest, and I’ve always felt that to be….insulting. There I said it. No network gods struck me down, NBC, you have insulted me. In a big way.

I’m kinda notorious for bitching about females in television. The few that seem to find their way into the industry do so by overtly playing up tired stereotypes, or..well…fucking network executives until they take a show away from their college roommate and give it to you. Jesus fucking Christ the E! Network is like a goddamn fraternity! But you, NBC? You should know better.

This show could have had some potential with a cast that included Laura Prepon, Jo Koy, Natalie Morales and Lenny Clarke. The reason why, is that of that list, Laura Prepon is the weakest actor. When you take away the bulk of that list and leave Laura Prepon with a collective of not-so-strong individual comedic talents and just a few moments of Lenny Clarke, you realize why Laura Prepon wasn’t one of the standouts of “That 70’s Show”.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Donna! She was my freaking Ginger Heroine! But she’s not strong enough to carry a show. That said, if I read one more comment about how “Chelsea needs to play herself”, I’mma go Postal. And not in the cute Uwe Boll way where I really just destroy myself in the process. Chelsea Handler looks haggard as fuck! All honesty, she doesn’t look like she should be playing a woman of “child-bearing” age, much less a 25-ish year old version of herself. Come on guys, she’s fucking painful to look at as a blonde in full make-up. The brunette Chelsea is a fucking train wreck.

While we’re on the topic of hair, the “Redhead Rant” coming from a chick who made a career out of playing an auburn goddess just came off as disconcerting. Maybe it has something to do with Chelsea’s words just seeming awkward and off-putting coming out of Prepon’s mouth in the first place, but it. just. got. weird.

Not to beat a dead horse here, but one final bitch: If you are arrested for drunk driving, your sister can’t just come and bail you out. If you’re arrested for drunk driving, your solution can’t be to just move to an apartment closer to the bar you work at. If you’re arrested for drunk driving, your life gets a whole lot less funny. This show takes a lighthearted stance on a serious topic, and shame on you NBC for trying to cash in on it.

To see drunk people who are actually funny and also walk everywhere–check out The Complete Black Books!

Review: Whitney.

I managed to stay away from this show for an entire half a season. I mean, you do not understand how big of a feat that it, as I am notorious for inevitably giving into shows due, well, to boredom. But I won, I defeated the odd-smiling beast and didn’t watch the show! Until my experiment in mid-season pilots that is!!!

I cheated though, still couldn’t bring myself to actually watch the pilot, so I watched one of the more recent episodes. Even made it harder by picking one that didn’t rely on a big name cameo to make the stale story line watchable. No easy feat, mind you, there is literally like one episode to choose from when you put in that exclusion.

“Private Parts” it was….I mean, I loved the Howard Stern film, so this was obviously the best choice. Hell, the only time I have ever found Whitney Cummings remotely tolerable was on the Stern show, so let’s roll with it!

If the show existed with just the other couples…and no mention of Whitney and her intolerable mate….like ever…..maybe, and that’s only a maybe, I could stomach another episode of this show. Still…….that’s just a maybe.

I get the whole “Blue for the sake of being Blue” style of comedy, don’t get me wrong. It’s fucking hi-larious when Bob Saget goes for the crassest joke! Sarah Silverman too! But…it’s funny because they are funny. Just being vulgar cause it’s all you’ve got? Not cute. And if you must, don’t do it on network television where things are so goddamn constrained that your vulgarity really just comes off as a pathetic attempt at “Cheeky”.

You’re much too tall to be cheeky.

If you’re into sado-masochism, the Whitney Pilot can be found here. Better viewing: Bob Saget: That Ain’t Right or if you just wanna see a hot piece of ass that’s funny–Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic.

A late, almost to the point of why bother, review of ABC’s canceled “Work It”.

Whoa, that fucking title was a mouthful! OK, so here’s the deal, last week, was weird. One of the weird adventures that I took into the depths of hell over the past seven days was a three-hour tour of the new mid-season pilots.

I would have much rather been stranded for years on an island with Gilligan and the fucking Professor. It got raw. Heavy. There may have been attempts made on my own life in which my hand just went for it sans control of my brain. I, my friends, have stepped to the edge, hovered with one foot over the great chasm, and damn near lost balance with the other–now I’m back, to share this wisdom I have so brutally fought
for–we shall start with “Work It”. A show I watched that, ironically, given the absolute horrible reviews of the premise alone, left me with a feeling of hope for this mid-season batch of pilots.

I’m going to start by addressing the elephants in the room. Yes, I went plural. You have to when discussing this show. Let’s do this shit!

Remake, and a cheesy one at that of “Bosom Buddies”, “Tootsie”, Mrs. Doubtfire

I get it, it’s been done. Everything has. Or have we all forgotten that Trey and Matt summed this one up years ago, THE SIMPSONS DID IT! Nothing is original in television anymore. Moving on.

The show is offensive by making fun of transgender people, by utilizing it as a gag.

Here’s the thing though, the show doesn’t use it as a gag. It’s a desperate man, making a desperate choice because he sees no other out. I swear, there were moments where this show came off as less of a comedy and more of a drama.

On the whole the jokes in this show were not lowbrow. Noted, major, huge exception being the third male supporting character, (Played by John Caparulo, a stand-up with some “Chelsea, Lately” credits, not personally familiar, so I’m withholding any judgement on his particular brand of stand-up.), a bar buddy of sorts to the primary characters. The jokes written for this guy were horrible, out-of-place, and seemed to be shoved in by some network notes along the way about “Needing a real American Midwest man represented.” I can practically hear the Tim Taylor grunt that followed…..

The subject of dolling himself up in drag is not done jokingly in this show, it actually comes about in a particular emotionally invoking scene for any person who has ever come up short, been underemployed or unemployed, and known that the beginning of the fucking month was coming. Whether you had the money for it or not.

The main character, Lee Standish, is played by Ben Koldyke. Personally, I have major respect for the guy, not only was he fantastic as the Dickish Don on “How I Met Your Mother”, he turned in an amazing performance as the lover of Alby Grant on “Big Love”. He brings nothing less to this role. The scene in which he notices that he might, could maybe, possibly, throw one last hail Mary pass at becoming an employed person is very touching. Almost as touching as the point in which he decides that seeing his friend waste away in a minimum wage, fast food job isn’t worth his pride, and he outs himself, so that his friend can see what it took him to get a job, and make the call for himself….

It was a good show. It had heart. And before you ask, yes, I have actually watched both episodes that were made available to Hulu and if another is posted I would certainly watch. I absolutely adore Amaury Nolasco, who played the secondary character, Angel, and am actually super bummed that I won’t be getting to see more of him on television this season.

CheekyMF! Review: Bad Batch (Spoilers)

I saw a film recently, well, I hesitate to call it that, 69 minutes isn’t exactly in keeping with any tradition of grand cinema–I saw this flick, called ‘Bad Batch’. It came up as a top suggestion on Netflix, read the description and decided fuck it, I’ll give it a go-round.

The premise is easy enough, girl buys weed, girl makes weed brownies, girl shares brownies w/random dudes she met on the intarwebs, girl finds out weed was laced, bad night ensues. Got it.

I made it five minutes in before second guessing myself. I was slightly disturbed. It was worse that the “See You in September” opening music debacle. One click and this flick was out of my life FOREVER! Or so I thought. Sat aghast browsing thru my suggestions, questioning how ever Netflix could have steered me so horribly wrong, when a thought occurred to me. I’d heard about this movie ‘Bad Batch’ before….but where? And ohdeargod, why?

Twitter, damn it. I remembered the film’s writer/director following me and seeing the actual trailer for the flick. At the time, something about it said “watch me”, so I went against my gut and went back to it…

The movie plays like its written/directed and acted by people who don’t smoke pot, maybe they haven’t ever. Not 100% sure they’ve even ever met a “stoner”. Cooked laced weed does not elicit a reaction like this, nor would it ever lead to the events that happened in this flick. No one in Los Angeles hears about a car accident related death and then assumes the person they know who drives that car was the one in it…it’s a city with six million people and hundreds of daily automobile accidents.

Now that we have the more logical arguments out of the way, let’s move onto what I consider to be the fatal flaw of this flick: What chick in her right mind invites two random dudes that she only knows thru Facebook over to munch on her entire stash of pot brownies with her? The only way it makes sense is if she had some intention of fucking these dudes. Perhaps a lil finger cuffs action…and if that’s the case, why get all butthurt when he tries to make a move?

I’m not saying I’m a defender of the “she was asking for it” argument, but, um, it really does kinda seem like she was asking for it in this particular scenario.

I’m all about meeting people from the Internet, but maybe not in my house for the first meeting. Sends the wrong signal. I mean, let’s be real, the benefit of baking weed into things is that you can eat them ANYWHERE! So, idk, maybe a bar, coffee shop, fuck it, a mall would be a better place to hook up with two random guys for the first time, don’t worry girl, you can still get your buzz on! Without making it seem like the only intention you have is getting laid…

I don’t know what else to say, this film came off as unrealistic, the dialogue was stale, the acting was beyond flat. I really do like to find something redeemable about a flick, but hell, this movie even goes so far as to reinforce all kinds of fucked up racial stereotypes. Oh, yeah, did I mention the random dudes are African-American and the Pot Princess is Caucasian? The “making a move” scene comes off like the beginning of a Law & Order: SVU…

‘Bad Batch’ is bad. Don’t watch it–seriously. You will regret losing that 69 minutes of your life.

As they say, “You’ve watched it, you can’t un-watch it!”.

CheekyMF! Review– Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury

So, about two weeks ago, I was wiki-surfing and my curiosity of Kevin James led me to a film entitled “Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury”, (Kevin’s brother Gary Valentine plays a key role in the film). Took me six days, but I ended up with a tangible copy of the flick that I could watch on my computer. (If I ever get bored enough, I will absolutely make a post detailing why I refuse to purchase things from an online retailer. Totally unrelated, please buy shit from my Style Owner shop)

Anyway, finally got a copy of the flick, watched it…and…well, my mind was fucking blown! I’m a fan of the “bad for the sake of being bad” genre and this flick does not disappoint in that respect. Given the fact that Kevin “Hercules” Sorbo and Danny “I’m a badass Mexican” Trejo are the leads, one can expect no less!

The movie follows a Vietnam vet, who has no concept of time, and his returning to his career as a Poolboy once he comes back from “the suck”…..but, Los Angeles County has turned to a new type of Poolboy in his 13+ year absence. The Mexicans. And one of them? Fucking his wife. Oh yeah, this shit is happening.

His wife and son are tragically lost to the Mexicans, which then sends Poolboy on a mission: rid the pool cleaning industry of Los Angeles of the Mexicans. And their Russian funding sources! Oh, yeah, this flick went there.

I won’t say anymore lest I spoil the surprises, but seriously, if you only watch one corny, cheesy, had-to-be-made flick this year…? Make it “Poolboy: Drowning out the Fury”!!!

To see this flick with your very own eyes, and trust me, you want to go to there, Click here.